Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
