I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Shame - the story of my life.
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