I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
