how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
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