where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Terrible idea I love it
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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