How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
