im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
