So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
