What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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