he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
