We're facebook friends in real life
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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