Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
