one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
