Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
