I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
