i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
