It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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