I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
