Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
