i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
