There was a lot of him and a little penis
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
