Banned from zoo.
Again?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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