does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
