Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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