I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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