no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
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