I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
