I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
