i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
