I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
