I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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