I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
