How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
