You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
