I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
