my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
