You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
