The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
