were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
