Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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