If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
