am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
