just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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