just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
