M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just found puke in my bra..
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
