I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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