a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
