I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
