dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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