omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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