i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
