....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
